Tips for Discovering your Child’s Love Language
You’ve probably heard of Dr. Gary Chapman’s concept of Love Languages in adult relationships, but did you know that he has also adapted it for children? Identifing and understanding your child’s love language is a powerful reflective parenting tool. This type of work allows you to dive deep and reflect on how to understand your child’s emotional needs. The concept of love languages was coined by Dr. Gary Chapman. This term is used to describe the way that we express, receive and understand emotional love.
The five love languages
1. Physical touch
2. Words of affirmation
3. Quality time
4. Gifts
5. Acts of Service
Love languages are the same for children and adults unlike parenting styles., which focus primarliy on the parents role and it’s effect on the child’s physical and emotional development. While understanding your parenting style may give you some insght and feedback, it will not address your child’s emotional needs.
The concept of love languages as a parenting tool calls for parents to understand their own love language in addition to that of their child. It is super important to note that adults must understand and accept that their love language may not be the same as their child’s and that imposing their love language on their child can have a negative impact.
Tips for Discovering your Child’s Love Language
From birth to age 5, children require all 5 love expressions and parents should “speak all 5 love languages.” As your child gets older, they may identify with one more than the others. I also find that over time, a child may require a different love language. For example, how they receive and express love at the age of 7 will present itself much differently age 13.
Observe your child’s actions: For children over age 5, observe how your child expresses love to you. Ex. Do they ask you to play with them (quality time)? Do they compliment you(words of affirmation)? Do they hug/kiss you or ask for a hug (physical touch)? Do they ask for your help, offer to help (acts of service)? Do they treasure the small gift or special rock they received from you (gifts).
Observe your child’s relationships: how your child expresses love to others.
Listen to what they ask for most often.
Notice what they complain about most. Ex. “You never play with me.”
Give your child a choice between 2 things. Ex. Would you like to cook with me or do you want to have a mommy/daddy and me play date?.
Play the ”I love you because..” game. Take turns telling each other why you love each other and notice the patterns.
The topic of love languages is not new, but with the increased focus on children’s mental health, this is a tool that many of my parenting clients find extremely useful. My clients have expressed that not only did this tool improve the relationship with their child, but it enhanced their relationships with their partner, family and friends. For more information on how to identify your or your Child’s love language, visit Dr. Chapman’s website. If you’d like additional support, please contact me for an initial consultation.
